I feel...

I feel:
Unwanted
Lonely
Stupid
Fake
Hopeless
Unattractive
Abandoned
On edge (I'm shivering and I'm not cold)

Arynn got kind of irritated with me the other day because I was feeling something that I hadn't told her because I didn't want to dump on her. I have this amazing ability to become self-sufficient, and keep people at this perfect distance where I can help them, and they can feel like they can come to me to vent or for advice or whatever, but I don't let them see the whole me. I think it's just a defense mechanism. I have to be in a good mood, or I at least can't be completely vulnerable with them. I guess I kind of make up for that by telling people what I'm struggling/ wrestling with, usually philosophical stuff, and that way it doesn't seem like I'm keeping anything back.
I got burned pretty bad. I gave this huge amount of myself out, and I got burned. I'm so tired of pretending it's going to pass me by.
I've been really working on this concept of following God. Giving my whole self to His plan, and not holding on to my own plans. It's something I've never really experienced before, because I can't seem to give myself wholly to Him. I'm reading this devotional Solomon (Robbie's new name. I'm really trying hard to make the switch, so I can't continue to call him robbie) gave me and it's all about really genuinely following Him, and not in the feel-good Max Lucado way. (Why do I always rip on him? The one book of his I did read was actually pretty good. Whatever) It's called My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. A lot of the concepts he has in there are so difficult to follow, but I know they're from God. He just doesn't sugar coat things. I guess the problem with this is everything I've been getting from God has been "just live for Me." It's so simple, and seems so passive. I think part of it is just to allow maturity to come. If I just live my daily life focusing on Him, and not just focus on one nice concept at a time, eventually my mind will just natually adapt to that, and I can work on individual things. The problem is, I'm not seeing a ton of immediate fruit from that. I've been doing it for about a month now- really trying to live with that constantly in my mind. It's frustrating when you don't have something physical for that after that long of a period. Also, I can look at things that AREN'T part of that lifestyle that are hindering me from living that way. So it's like not only am I not seeing fruit for this change I'm trying to make, but I'm constantly beating myself down just by thinking "oh yeah, obviously I haven't changed yet, because my desires are still producing (this bad habit or behavior). It's really frustrating, and honestly really depressing. I'm tired of it. I know a strong relationship with God doesn't just magically appear, but still. I'm not getting anything here. I want to stay strong, but it wears on me. It's like everything that I try to do to fix this (including just sitting back and letting God work on it) either does nothing, or it makes it worse. I met this really really great girl the other day, who seemed to be into me, and I emailed her and said I'm just not ready for a relationship (because I really felt like God wants me to set that aside for the time being). When the hell do I get fruit for that?!? I've made a lot of sacrifices, trying to live the life God wants me to, and I'm feeling just as bad as before. I'm tired of it. I want a break, but I know all it's going to do is make me numb, and desire God even more. I really don't know.