Once again, my elitest tendencies

So, most people who know me know I'm a huge advocate of Google. Their software etc is just intelligently designed. So, I'm on their experimental page, and what do I see? The coolest thing ever! I'm not even going to mention what it is. Seriously, I just programmed this into my phone, because I don't know how many times I've needed this, but didn't want to pay for it. I love Google.

Tim's Wedding

So I had an amazing time this weekend. I really miss Tim and Dude, and honestly, it made me miss Central. Maybe not Central, as much as it made me wish I had gotten to know more people. LB and I got along great, and I knew her face when I met her, but I never said more than a couple words to when I went there. That's really sad. I think I just assumed that all of them were the assholes/ cowards who pushed their theology on everyone, when only about 20% of people there would actually do that.

Anyway, most of the time we all just sat around and smoked pipes (btw, a girl who smokes, pipe or cloves, not cigarettes, is really hot. I discovered quite a few things that I want in a girl while I was there, but I've decided that I really want that.

So I took like 50 pictures while I was there, but here are some of my favorites.

Real Men Wii Standing Up

So as most of you know, I'm kind of a video game nerd. I can't really help it, though. I'm a 21 yr old male. It's a hobby. :-) Anyway, I keep up w/ the industry w/ a couple of blogs, and one of them is totally centered around Wii news. So, this video is really neat. This guy uses the Wiimote to do something pretty... nerdy. Yeah, just scroll down to the video in the link.

LOL

This made me laugh. It's me... only I don't play LOTR Online... though if they had it for Mac I might have picked it up....

The Heart of Worship

I finally have internet back. And I'm all moved into the Evergrizzle. Just a quick thought: I really hate how I feel when I don't have the internet. It's a really helpless feeling. It's not like I was thinking "I NEED TO READ BLOGS!" or anything like that. I have stuff I still need to do for Oregon, and I've blown it off for the past couple weeks because I was moving and such, but when I can't do it, it drives me nuts.

Anyway, I've been meaning to blog on this for a while, but didn't know how, but I got a lot of insight this past Sunday. It's this concept of worship. I've been in pretty much every type of worship you can experience: the oh-so-popular evangelical David Crowder Band and Chris Tomlin worship, which, to me, has always seemed really self-serving. Don't get me wrong, I love Crowder, and Tomlin is okay, but there's this feeling in the air of the average Evangelical church that's either "wooo! I love God and I'm going to celebrate w/ all these people who are also celebrating!" or "God I'm so sorry I'm a sinner just like everyone else in this room -tear-" and everything in between. I guess I just see it as everyone kind of feeding off of each other. Maybe it lacks genuine emotion? But I would never make that assumption, because who can know someone's heart but God?

Then there's the rigid hymnals, which just screams religiosity. It reminds me of King of the Hill. We live no kind of faithful life, but damn it on Sunday God is the most important thing in the world to us, and we are to respectfully worship Him with nice calm hymns.

Then there's the crazy worship services where everyone is speaking in tongues, or shouting "AMEN!" and "YES LORD!" and such. Is there anything more self-serving than pretending to be speaking in tongues just so you feel closer to God?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not attacking these worship styles. There are absolutely people who aren't concerned with how they look while worshiping, or who have a great relationship with God, but feel they must have reverence while worshiping, or are actually being moved by the Spirit to edify or evangelize to people through tongues. But it's this concept of having the ulterior motive while worshiping that bothers me.

I went to Jess' church w/ her this past Sunday. It's in Arvada, and it's pretty small (only like 50 ppl, all young adults (on the sunday night service)) but honestly I don't think I've experienced realism like that in a long time. I do a lot of the same things I just described above. Rarely do I worship completely alone w/ God. I'm always worried about what I look like, or my mind wanders, or whatever. There were the people who stood in the aisles and prayer or whatever, but they didn't draw attention to themselves some how. I don't know how to explain it, they just seemed... honest.

After the sermon, while the second worship was going on (which was one of the best services I think I've ever been in, btw) I went over to talk w/ the pastor who spoke. We talked about a couple things, but mostly about finding this space between being the well-educated Christian and being the super duper spiritual Christian. I think I'm more educated in terms of Theology and Biblical knowledge than most Christians. But I'm not a well-educated Christian. Nor am I really spiritually driven. But I still am feeling empty when it comes to worship. A friend of mine went to an old church of mine once, and during worship, instead of singing, my friend drew. I have another friend who is writing his first worship song, and he's an amazing worship leader. A friend of mine from high school used to read his Bible during worship, and rarely ever sang. And I have quite a few friends who worship with all of themselves in the "conventional" way.

All of these are forms of worship. Still, I don't think I've found mine. I've definitely worshiped God before, and I've cried out to Him, but I've never found that... method. That one way of expression that I can identify w/ whenever I do worship. Maybe I over think this. Maybe those people are all just more expressive than I am, and I express myself in different, more subtle ways. But maybe my heart still hasn't found that... x factor.

One of my favorite professors, Aernie, was talking about Heaven one day in class. I don't remember how we got on the topic, but I remember him saying that Heaven is basically just basking in the presence of God. Basically God is so amazing, and we'll be in such close proximity to Him, that all we'll want to do is worship Him. Feeling His power, and love, and grace, and just knowing Him better than we ever could here on earth will do that to us.

To add onto that, if you look at all the guys whom God spoke to, look at their priorities. None of them were perfect by any means, but David for instance, wrote most of the Psalms, which are the most raw and emotionally driven verses in the Bible. This is a bit of a stretch, but if you take Song of Songs allegorically as the love between God and His bride (the church), you get this incredibly powerful poetry from Solomon, another guy very close to God. I was reading 1 and 2 Kings and Samuel not too long ago, and looking at the good kings, and how they changed the culture... that kind of motivation comes from a love of God.

I guess what I'm getting at is genuine passion for God is so rare. I do have friends who I know do have that passion, and you'd know it after one conversation with them. Other people are less obvious, but still no less passionate. I guess this is once again just another example of me not being patient with my growth and maturity, but it's hard to look at those people who have found their passion, and know that I don't have it. I don't want to be the intellectual, or the super-spiritual guy, I just want passion.

Home Security

So I'm moving out of my place tomorrow. Back up to the Evergrizzle until I go to Oregon.

I was laying in bed the other night, half wanting to unpack my old journal to see what I wrote when I first moved in here. I don't remember specifics, but I remember I was pretty scared, because I had signed this legal document saying I'd come up with a certain amount of money every month. I was entering the "real world" in a few different ways. Responsibility. Sacrifice. Monthly Income. All these terms were relevant to me.

Granted, that's a little melodramatic, but still. It was big, and honestly, I was really overwhelmed and scared.

To be honest, I'm feeling a similar fear moving back now. This has been my home for a year. This was my security. I've gone through two girlfriends, two cars, an ungodly amount of wasted money (not associated w/ the former or the latter ;-)), and more than enough life lessons/ maturity opportunities. I'd change some things I did in this apartment, and others I wouldn't change for anything. This has been my home, and a huge chapter of my life, and now it's over.

Now I'm moving back home with my mom. But it's not a defeat. I've heard stories of people who move out, and then have to move back in w/ their parents because they couldn't make it on their own. That's not the case here. Again, it's another chapter. I'm moving up to Evergreen so I can save money to go to Oregon- the next chapter. And hopefully that chapter is going to be filled with more maturity, and not so much regret. :-)

God is going to take care of me, and more importantly, he's going to help me grow. I've been told cleaning isn't my strong suit. Well suck on this, doubters: I've had three people over since I cleaned this place (my bathroom, and the kitchen thus far), and they were shocked at how well I did. I've grown. I know that's a silly example, but I've been searching for that affirmation that I have grown in the past 4 months, and God has showed me what I've done... and just so we're clear, I'm not talking about my cleaning abilities. :-)

I guess I'm scared because of Oregon. I don't have my safety blanket which affirms I can live in the real world. I pay my bills every month, and damn it I'm an adult! :-) Now I get to go back to the basics. I get to chop wood to make my dinner. I get to read 150 pages of lit. for the next day's class. I get to hike 50 miles across the Oregon wilderness. I get to reveal a side of myself reserved for only my bestest of best friends to a group of 35 students. I get to let my guard down so people can see what I need to change in my life and w/ my priorities.

I don't get to lean on the crutch of technology. I don't get to blow off class. I don't get to blow off God. I don't get to allow this society's "pleasures" to control me anymore.

All that stuff sounds amazing. But it also scares the hell out of me. My apartment has been this symbol of a messed up relationship, no self control, and a lack of any real spiritual life. My life this past year has been a process of pulling myself out of lifestyles I didn't really want to embrace, only to be pulled back down because I wasn't strong enough. It's an easy life. Leaving it means working hard.

I'm going to miss this place a lot. I had a lot of good memories, along w/ the bad. But leaving means I get to take those good memories, and I get to leave the bad. God has pulled me out of so many bad situations lately. And while it wasn't completely bad, this apartment is a part of my history now. We all go on journeys, and the good and bad shape us in different ways. This experience allowed me to see the person I don't want to become.

So while I'll miss the Lakeview Towers, and I'm scared to leave, I guess I have a pretty positive outlook when I think about it. And who knows where I'll be living come next Spring Semester.