Home Security

So I'm moving out of my place tomorrow. Back up to the Evergrizzle until I go to Oregon.

I was laying in bed the other night, half wanting to unpack my old journal to see what I wrote when I first moved in here. I don't remember specifics, but I remember I was pretty scared, because I had signed this legal document saying I'd come up with a certain amount of money every month. I was entering the "real world" in a few different ways. Responsibility. Sacrifice. Monthly Income. All these terms were relevant to me.

Granted, that's a little melodramatic, but still. It was big, and honestly, I was really overwhelmed and scared.

To be honest, I'm feeling a similar fear moving back now. This has been my home for a year. This was my security. I've gone through two girlfriends, two cars, an ungodly amount of wasted money (not associated w/ the former or the latter ;-)), and more than enough life lessons/ maturity opportunities. I'd change some things I did in this apartment, and others I wouldn't change for anything. This has been my home, and a huge chapter of my life, and now it's over.

Now I'm moving back home with my mom. But it's not a defeat. I've heard stories of people who move out, and then have to move back in w/ their parents because they couldn't make it on their own. That's not the case here. Again, it's another chapter. I'm moving up to Evergreen so I can save money to go to Oregon- the next chapter. And hopefully that chapter is going to be filled with more maturity, and not so much regret. :-)

God is going to take care of me, and more importantly, he's going to help me grow. I've been told cleaning isn't my strong suit. Well suck on this, doubters: I've had three people over since I cleaned this place (my bathroom, and the kitchen thus far), and they were shocked at how well I did. I've grown. I know that's a silly example, but I've been searching for that affirmation that I have grown in the past 4 months, and God has showed me what I've done... and just so we're clear, I'm not talking about my cleaning abilities. :-)

I guess I'm scared because of Oregon. I don't have my safety blanket which affirms I can live in the real world. I pay my bills every month, and damn it I'm an adult! :-) Now I get to go back to the basics. I get to chop wood to make my dinner. I get to read 150 pages of lit. for the next day's class. I get to hike 50 miles across the Oregon wilderness. I get to reveal a side of myself reserved for only my bestest of best friends to a group of 35 students. I get to let my guard down so people can see what I need to change in my life and w/ my priorities.

I don't get to lean on the crutch of technology. I don't get to blow off class. I don't get to blow off God. I don't get to allow this society's "pleasures" to control me anymore.

All that stuff sounds amazing. But it also scares the hell out of me. My apartment has been this symbol of a messed up relationship, no self control, and a lack of any real spiritual life. My life this past year has been a process of pulling myself out of lifestyles I didn't really want to embrace, only to be pulled back down because I wasn't strong enough. It's an easy life. Leaving it means working hard.

I'm going to miss this place a lot. I had a lot of good memories, along w/ the bad. But leaving means I get to take those good memories, and I get to leave the bad. God has pulled me out of so many bad situations lately. And while it wasn't completely bad, this apartment is a part of my history now. We all go on journeys, and the good and bad shape us in different ways. This experience allowed me to see the person I don't want to become.

So while I'll miss the Lakeview Towers, and I'm scared to leave, I guess I have a pretty positive outlook when I think about it. And who knows where I'll be living come next Spring Semester.