If you're listening whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

I've been talking with a friend of mine about accepting his/herself. I don't want to go into details, but basically my friend is going through what a lot of us probably go through, in that we get something/ someone so amazing in our lives that we tell ourselves we don't deserve it. After I talked to my friend, I realized it totally applied to myself, and like most of the advice I hand out to others, I need to take my own advice and deal with my own problem. On top of this realization, I read one of my new favorite books, which tackled this topic.
"The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Lee. A friend gave me this book a while ago, and since it was published in the 70s, I stayed away from reading it until a few days ago. I hate when I do that. Anyway, this chapter talks about the blood of Christ (basically the sacrifice Jesus made, and how, even though we're guilty because of our rebellion, that sacrifice makes us right with God, so we're innocent again) and one of the points he makes is that there is no amount of beating ourselves up that will help us progress. "I see now that whether I have really progressed, whether I have really attained to something or not, is not the point. Whenever I come before Thee, it is always to be on the ground of the precious blood." So this is really more of my take on it, applying it to my "beat myself up" style of living, but here's what I got out of this: Jesus works in me. Whether I make that noticeable change or not doesn't matter, because the simple act of following Him, (doing the right thing, being a good person, however you want to phrase it) is far more valuable because it's focusing on the positive. This is where the whole "be patient, ignore the things you want to know right now, and eventually you'll realize the answer" I posted on Myspace comes in. I think I've matured a lot in the past couple months. I have a lot more discipline, I watch my actions, not only in terms of "sinning" but how I treat other people, and a lot of stuff I need to do isn't as hard as it used to be. I know I've grown. Honestly, all knowing that fact does for me is give me undeserved pride and undeserved "bragging rights" to certain people. I'm still just as lost in terms of my faith, my career, and my future wife. But, when my focus leaves from "I need to really focus -insert thing I need to work on- today" and I just think about praying or reading my Bible or having a conversation with someone I find less than pleasant, I feel amazing, which leads to a more mature mindset.
Maybe feeling good about yourself doesn't rest as heavily on losing weight, or giving to the poor, or helping someone with their homework, or whatever it is. That stuff is great, and definitely essential if your problem is you think you're fat, or you're selfish, or whatever. But maybe the direct solution lies more in feeling better about you. Not focusing on the problem as much as feeling an overall happiness.

Simply a pipe dream

So the Avs are in a very close playoff race. They played pretty poorly all season, mainly because their goaltender Jose Theodore turned out to suck, but ever since February they've been playing pretty freakin' well. They've lost something like 3 games, only one in regulation, in the past 15 games. Which is very good. Anyway, we were assuming they wouldn't make the playoffs, but since this recent surge, it's possible. The last playoff spot is currently occupied by the Calgary Flames. We just won this afternoon, and Calgary plays later tonight. Basically, we're going to need to win every game (four left) and Calgary can win one game in their five left. It's close. Really close. I know the Avs won't win the Cup this year, but we've made the playoffs every year since they moved to Colorado (1996). So yeah, it's actually pretty exciting. I'll be fine if they don't make the playoffs, because I was expecting it and have already made peace with it, but it'd be very cool if they did. (Just noticed something. I have this habit of including myself in the team by saying "we" instead of "they." I've been made fun of for it before. Just looked back, and every time I made a reference to them winning, I said "we" but every time I referred to them losing, it was "them." Got a chuckle out of that.) LET'S GO AVS!

When the light hits, and you maybe'll ask me

I'm a huge Dave Matthews Band fan. I appreciate music that is musically (as opposed to lyrically) well-made. The exception to this is The Mountain Goats, who I listen to because of the music and the fact that all their songs are stories.
Anyway, I really like Dave. My favorite Dave song is Halloween. The song is about an ex-girlfriend who apparently turned down his marriage proposal... three times. It's an amazing song, not so much lyrically though. The biggest reason is because it doesn't really have consistent lyrics... See, this song was first released on their (first) live album Recently. Then he released a studio version of it on Before These Crowded Streets. Both of those versions were more of less the same.
I have two favorite versions: The Gorge, and Weekend on the Rocks (the show I went to last summer). These versions don't really have lyrics at all... they're just... groanings I guess you could say. It's pretty amazing. I can't remember who, but someone was in the car with me, and we were listening to the song, and he/she said that they didn't like the song because there was so much chaos (totally paraphrasing). You'd have to hear the song, but he has this amazing vocal range, and at one minute he sounds like a member of one of those crappy metal bands (crappy because I hate metal, not because the sounds isn't cool), and the next minute he sounds like an Opera singer. It's amazing. But still, there aren't lyrics so much as there are just screams and such.
How many things do you think a person will experience in his or her own life that are as painful as what he seems to have experienced? I don't think I have ever experienced that type of pain yet, emotional or physical. When I finally do propose to someone, I hope she'll say yes the first time. Just something to think about. We all think that the pain we experience in the moment is unbearable and the worst thing ever. Maybe not quite that bad every time, but still, pain is so much more real when we're actually feeling it. When I broke my ankle... oh my gosh. I was in agony. Looking back on it... I don't know if it was all that bad. I mean it hurt, but I know there are more painful things I can experience.
On another note, I'm really excited about The Oregon Extension. I'm waiting to see if CCU will accept the credits, but I can't help but get excited. It's one of those things where I feel like I might be biting off more than I can chew, which I tend to do a lot, but still. I think I've matured a lot in the past few months. I don't think I've ever been this disciplined. So yeah, prayers would be greatly appreciated.

A New Beginning

I've been experiencing quite a few changes in my life lately. Some of them suck. Some of them are amazing, and absolutely worth the pain. I've tried to describe some of these things to people, but they usually just come out as ramblings.
I've contemplated getting rid of all my DVDs, to "simplify." I've contemplated going camping by myself, to "get away from everything and just have time to think." I've even considered dropping school for the time being and go live in the woods, courtesy of Donald Miller.
None of these things were the answer. I have friends doing amazing things in Texas, other friends positive about what they want to do with their lives, ready to go onto Graduate School, or pursue requirements for their career by studying another language/ culture. I don't know about you, but it seems to me that everyone has it together.
I honestly don't know what I want to do. I thought I was supposed to be a pastor, and I do still want to be one, but all that is in the air. I really want a relationship, but my life would just go back to where it was before: numb, self destructive, and longing to know that spirituality that's just out of reach. That relationship with God that I could know, that I know I'm just standing on the edge of, and I'd be able to reach out to, were I not in a self-induced coma known as a "relationship."
Anyway, I've been struggling with all this stuff. I've been attacking my cell phone and email, or how much I enjoy movies, or how I'm a tech nerd, or whatever it is that I choose to fill my life with. While I absolutely need to do that stuff in moderation, none of it is the source. The fact is, God broke my leg, which is exactly what I prayed for for a good year now, and now He's resetting it. It hurts like a mofo, but never before have I enjoyed reading the Bible just to read it. Never before have I had a clearer understanding of where my spiritual life is going. Never before have I been able to look at the mistakes of my past (in this case, a lot of relationship mistakes) and be able to say with confidence that I won't make the same mistake when given the opportunity again. It's like I see myself, and don't have anyone which to be stubborn to, and so I can humble myself, and not be defensive. I don't have to be defensive! That's the love of God!
Anyway, I'm getting to rambling. The reason I wanted to post is because Sierra posted something. In her devo (forgive me if I butcher this), a church was going to have a homeless shelter service, but the church members didn't show up. So everyone in the service was homeless, and they were standing up saying what they were thankful for and one of the homeless guys was saying "the Bible says to take care of the orphans and the homeless, and the needy. Well we fall into that category. Where are all the Christians?" And that was the point she rested on: "Where are all the Christians?"
I think most Christians have priorities. They subconsciously know what they should work on. Most of the time it revolves around feelings. Mine revolves around my relationship with God. I've been rolling over in my mind this idea of a transcended spirituality. I'm not going over it in this, mainly because I still only have a few ideas as to what I even mean by it, but I've been really focusing on how to reach that next level. I've had opportunities to serve. For some reason, though, I always punk out, because I think to myself "you know, this won't really help where I am with God." How stupid is that?? The Bible says to minister to those who are sick, but I'm way sicker than anyone else, and all my actions have to be self-serving to my own spirituality. There's no way God's going to work through anything I do unless it directly correlates to the current issue I'm having.
I guess that's my point. We're all selfish. We all assume that we have our things to focus on, and life should correlate to that specific issue.
By the way, the picture is from my camping trip in Rifle Falls. Oh my gosh. That place is amazing. I want to take some friends and camp out in the caves. That's right, the caves. :-)