A New Beginning

I've been experiencing quite a few changes in my life lately. Some of them suck. Some of them are amazing, and absolutely worth the pain. I've tried to describe some of these things to people, but they usually just come out as ramblings.
I've contemplated getting rid of all my DVDs, to "simplify." I've contemplated going camping by myself, to "get away from everything and just have time to think." I've even considered dropping school for the time being and go live in the woods, courtesy of Donald Miller.
None of these things were the answer. I have friends doing amazing things in Texas, other friends positive about what they want to do with their lives, ready to go onto Graduate School, or pursue requirements for their career by studying another language/ culture. I don't know about you, but it seems to me that everyone has it together.
I honestly don't know what I want to do. I thought I was supposed to be a pastor, and I do still want to be one, but all that is in the air. I really want a relationship, but my life would just go back to where it was before: numb, self destructive, and longing to know that spirituality that's just out of reach. That relationship with God that I could know, that I know I'm just standing on the edge of, and I'd be able to reach out to, were I not in a self-induced coma known as a "relationship."
Anyway, I've been struggling with all this stuff. I've been attacking my cell phone and email, or how much I enjoy movies, or how I'm a tech nerd, or whatever it is that I choose to fill my life with. While I absolutely need to do that stuff in moderation, none of it is the source. The fact is, God broke my leg, which is exactly what I prayed for for a good year now, and now He's resetting it. It hurts like a mofo, but never before have I enjoyed reading the Bible just to read it. Never before have I had a clearer understanding of where my spiritual life is going. Never before have I been able to look at the mistakes of my past (in this case, a lot of relationship mistakes) and be able to say with confidence that I won't make the same mistake when given the opportunity again. It's like I see myself, and don't have anyone which to be stubborn to, and so I can humble myself, and not be defensive. I don't have to be defensive! That's the love of God!
Anyway, I'm getting to rambling. The reason I wanted to post is because Sierra posted something. In her devo (forgive me if I butcher this), a church was going to have a homeless shelter service, but the church members didn't show up. So everyone in the service was homeless, and they were standing up saying what they were thankful for and one of the homeless guys was saying "the Bible says to take care of the orphans and the homeless, and the needy. Well we fall into that category. Where are all the Christians?" And that was the point she rested on: "Where are all the Christians?"
I think most Christians have priorities. They subconsciously know what they should work on. Most of the time it revolves around feelings. Mine revolves around my relationship with God. I've been rolling over in my mind this idea of a transcended spirituality. I'm not going over it in this, mainly because I still only have a few ideas as to what I even mean by it, but I've been really focusing on how to reach that next level. I've had opportunities to serve. For some reason, though, I always punk out, because I think to myself "you know, this won't really help where I am with God." How stupid is that?? The Bible says to minister to those who are sick, but I'm way sicker than anyone else, and all my actions have to be self-serving to my own spirituality. There's no way God's going to work through anything I do unless it directly correlates to the current issue I'm having.
I guess that's my point. We're all selfish. We all assume that we have our things to focus on, and life should correlate to that specific issue.
By the way, the picture is from my camping trip in Rifle Falls. Oh my gosh. That place is amazing. I want to take some friends and camp out in the caves. That's right, the caves. :-)